Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Time does fly

More than a month since I posted to this blog. There are a few reasons. One is the amount of stuff  I have gone through in the past four years has drained me somewhat. Oh, lots of good has happened as well, but sometimes the crap outweighs the good

One of the things I have been dealing with over the past few years is a rather serious case of depression. I have learnt how to manage it fairly well and to keep up appearances, but sometimes the quicksand sucks me in and I can barely move.

It is enough to go to work and keep the children fed and life normal enough for them without having to do anything extra, as much as I may love it, like blogging.

Most people don't know I have depression but I've been telling people lately and the response is interesting. Those who I have spoken to are interested to know how I manage it, how I cope when it is bad and what it really feels like.

I have no idea if what I feel is the same as the way anyone else feels. I have no idea if what works for me would work for anyone else. All I know is that the older I get the more I realise this is something I have lived with for a long time.

I've always been really serious. When I was in infants school I missed out on a part in the school nativity pageant as the chief angel (which I was supremely qualified for as my dad was/is an Anglican minister). At the tender age of 6 I was considered to be too serious and not prone to smile. I thought of this many years later when one of my bosses told me I didn't smile enough (true story).

About a year ago I took up painting classes. This has helped me enormously. Even though I have always written for a living and had endless "hobbies" involving craft activities, painting is a whole new level.

This week I did something that surprised even me. Last year I met someone quite fabulous. His and my circumstances don't quite match but he wanted to keep in touch, and so we have for six months. In the past few months I've wondered where it is heading because in my world things are not static. In his world, they are. Good luck to him, but I've cut the tie and am now looking for the next adventure.

I know I can get through this life without being part of a pair (even though the Libran in me screams for a pair-bond) and I know I have achieved many great things for me and my children.

There are plans and dreams that will come true. There are things that will always annoy me. I could list them all but suffice to say, bullying and bullshit are the top two annoyances.

I love calling out people who do both. What the world needs now is honesty, peace and love. The only people who bully and bullshit are the weak and the insecure.

My life motto for me and for everyone is to be authentic.

If you think I'm a raving lunatic, thanks, I'm not. As my little brother tells me I'm formidable, I'll win and my world will be a better place.